There are really two reasons why I was NOT going to share this (until Renee asked me if I was deliberately trying to hide it on Facebook by posting pics and videos from the week before).
At the surface of my consciousness, I had convinced myself I was just finally catching up on sharing my other videos and pics of joy and gratitude.
After digging deeper, I realized what had been keeping me from sharing publicly were not reasons to hide my reality, but instead reasons why I HAD to share it.
On Wednesday morning, December 1, 2021, I checked into AdventHealth for a full hip replacement. It had been a LONG time coming. I was eager with anticipation.
So why didn’t I want to announce it publicly on Facebook like I do with all the other blessings in my life?
It wasn’t ego, at least not primarily. I wasn’t even really trying to hide it. There were two things I was trying to avoid, Pity and Shame.
I don’t pretend to be someone I am not, nor are my skeletons hiding in any closet. But I am human. I have my strengths and my challenges.
Over the last year I have not posted about politics or any of the divisive topics that could get one thrown in FB jail. (By the way, even with all my passionate, political posts from 2016-2020, I have never been sent to FB jail.)
Heading into 2022, a 6 year in numerology, I am seeking that which is represented by the number 6, Harmony, so I may be a lighthouse of compassionate change in the world.
So what does any of that have to do with me avoiding pity and shame?
Among my many blessings, I am surrounded by amazing healers spanning the spectrum from one of the best surgeons in the country to home nurses, relatives who are nurses, (my wife who has a Google Degree in medicine), physical therapists, holistic practitioners, energy healers, and shamans.
Most are wise and well-meaning.
Healers heal. It’s what they do.
I have been studying and teaching Soul Manifestation for many years. I remember working with Dr. Gene Basin in his Art of Becoming class in 1995. He introduced me to Louise Hay’s work – You Can Heal Your Life. I had no idea then that I would meet Louise in NYC at the Hay House Movers and Shakers event on September 11, 2011.
Understanding the thought patterns that demonstrate “a pattern of dysfunction” can be very helpful in making choices to eliminate or at least reduce those thought patterns. It can also create a sense of undo responsibility to avoid western medicine altogether in exchange for a primarily eastern mystic approach supported by good nutrition and exercise.
Before Oprah Winfrey first hosted Louise Hay on her show, she was barely known for her work with AIDS patients or her little blue book filled with her list of diseases and the corresponding thought patterns associated with them along with affirmations meant to retrain our minds toward “healthy” thoughts.
Here’s what I found in the appendix at the back of You Can Heal Your Life:
Arthritis – Feeling unloved. Criticism, resentment.
Mantra (Affirmation) I am love. I choose to love and approve of myself. I see others with love.
(also see Joints)
Hip(s) – Carries the body in perfect balance. Major thrust moving forward.
Mantra (Affirmation) Hip Hip Hooray– There is joy in every day. I am balanced and free.
Hip Problems – Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to.
Mantra (Affirmation) I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.
Joints – Represents changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements.
Mantra (Affirmation) I easily flow with change. My life is Divinely guided, and I am always going in the best direction.
WAIT!
Do I have arthritis because I feel unloved or fear going forward in major decisions?
In addition to a dozen other modalities, I read these affirmations for years and truly felt them in my bones.
But the arthritis continued to worsen… and my weight continued to grow, which was harder on my joints. I was on a downward spiral. It was out of control.
In April of 2021, after a magical day celebrating the eleventh birthday of our twins at Universal Studios’ Wizarding World of Harry Potter, I sat on the couch in our suite as I tried to hide the tears of physical pain. Renee heard me and asked what was wrong.
I bawled as I shared with her how much pain I was in. I was grateful we had made it through the celebration without her knowing.
As a reasonable adult, you might ask, “How did it sneak up on you and why did you wait so long to get medical attention?
Well that is where the guilt and pity come in.
Of course there are many things I could have done differently. At no time did I want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I did not want to complain or appear as a victim.
I first started to notice the early signs of arthritis in my hip in 2013 when we lived in Ohio. I would occasionally feel it buckle during my runs. Looking back, it’s funny to me now that at first I thought I had pulled my groin during sex.
Shortly after we moved back to Florida in 2015, our friends Bob and Noel were the first to acknowledge the subtle limp I had slowly acquired. They were visiting us during their perpetual Birth 2012 Tour promoting a global shift in human consciousness. I still have the family picture they took of us that day at the stage area where Renee and I had married thirteen years earlier.
Over the next two years the pain in my hip would gradually worsen, like a frog in a cool pot of water slowly being brought to boil.
Of course my hard working entrepreneur lifestyle, sitting at a computer for hours each day, along with practicing less than ideal nutrition and self-care made things worse.
These were small temporary sacrifices to grow my business, so I could better serve my family and my clients. There would be time for me later.
In May of 2016, our lives changed forever when Renee was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She is thriving now and continues to manage our home and our business. She is a healing machine and she does the inner and outer work to stay healthy.
We did not tell anyone for three months after the biopsy results.
During that time Renee researched…and researched…and researched.
She read medical studies, statistics, holistic reports, reputable medical websites, personal accounts and dozens of books on nutrition and alternative protocols.
With a bachelor’s degree in holistic nutrition, Renee wanted to avoid the standard treatments of cancer; kill with chemo, cut out with a scalpel and burn with radiation.
Renee had done the math a thousand times in her head.
For her, there was no other choice than do everything she knew would improve her survival. She wanted to live for her babies who had just turned six.
She did it all, surgery, chemo, radiation and full hysterectomy.
She used all her healing and nutrition knowledge to counter the side effects of these aggressive treatments.
Last week she had her fifth one year follow up exam with a clean report.
In the medical world that is a major milestone for her aggressive type of breast cancer. It’s certainly cause to celebrate!
Within weeks of Renee’s diagnosis, I learned that my good friend had bone cancer. When I reached out to him, although he said he had suffered major bone deterioration, he sounded like he was at the tail end of beating it and on his way to recovery. We made plans to connect after Renee finished treatment. Before we hung up, I asked him how the doctors found his cancer. He said he went to see the doctor because his bones ached and he felt tired all the time.
Those words rang in my ears.
“Fuck”, I said to myself, “my bones ache and I have been feeling very tired. I don’t even want to know. I will go to the doctor when Renee is better.”
Less than a month later I was at Marc’s funeral.
I couldn’t speak. I just cried.
A few months later we lost another friend who had traveled to Mexico for alternative care.
In 2020, my dear friend Beth Misner, co-founder of Business Networking International (BNI) and best selling author of Jesus and The Secret; Where Scripture and Law of Attraction Intersect passed from breast cancer. She had shared in detail with me the leading edge treatments she was receiving. Most were very expensive and not yet available to the general public.
In early 2017, shortly after Renee finished cancer treatment, I went to see my doctor about my hip. Upon examination he believed it was likely osteoarthritis and sent me for x-rays to confirm.
I was strangely relieved to see the clear signs of arthritis on my x-ray. It meant that it was not life threatening bone cancer. At that moment, arthritis seemed like a celebration.
“I could beat this. I have friends who are wellness professionals who specialize in treatable diseases like arthritis. There are diets, supplements and therapies like cryotherapy and block therapy.”
While my doctor encouraged me to try holistic approaches, he warned that I could also receive injections in my joints to ease the pain, but eventually I would likely need surgery. It was up to me when to say when.
Over the next two years I made half-assed attempts to throw a variety of alternative modalities against the wall to see what might stick. Any health expert will tell you to pick a horse and ride it. As one might expect, jumping from one treatment to another did not yield great results for me.
Nearly two years later, at the end of 2019, I was ready to surrender. I was planning my first 3-Day Live Event in Orlando for February, 2020. Once I got past the event I could focus on my next steps toward a western medical solution to my arthritis pain.
Of course on March 17, 2020, the United States went into lockdown.
The world has been a very different place ever since.
All non-emergency surgeries were canceled.
It was a year later that I found myself now nearly boiling in a pot that had once seemed comfortably warm. I could no longer take the pain. I wanted to enjoy being active with my kids again. I surrendered.
I met with my general practitioner who I have been seeing for nearly 15 years now. By “seeing”, I mean I would visit every few years or so. His wife had just had her hip replaced a couple years ago by the same doctor he was recommending to me.
Dr. Hudanich said something to me that you might expect a doctor to believe, but not to articulate. He looked at me as if he was reading the years of built up beliefs and said, “I hate to see this in patients so young, but please know, this isn’t your fault.”
That was enough to put a lump in my throat as he went on. “Sure you can and should take more action to reduce inflammation and excessive weight, but there is nothing that would stop this degenerative disease.”
It wasn’t my fault!
As well intentioned as it may be, there is no need to feel sorry for me or any suffering I may have experienced.
I do love myself. I see others with love.
Hip Hip Hooray– There is joy in every day. I am balanced and free.
I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.
I easily flow with change. My life is Divinely guided, and I am always going in the best direction.
Renee and I published Soulful Leadership: A Spiritual Path to Health, Wealth and Love on January 21, 2021, the day after the US Presidential Inauguration. Within 24 hours it became a #1 Best Seller.
I believe the real shame came from feeling like I was an imposter.
Who was I to write about a spiritual path to health when my own health was suffering?
In reality the spiritual path to health is not about meditating myself to perfect health and homeostasis, but being present to what is, making conscious choices and observing the results without judgment or attachment.
It’s Sunday, December 5, 2021 as I write this letter.
I had surgery on Wednesday and co-hosted a virtual networking call with my business partner David on Thursday, just a few hours after I got home from the hospital.
I was up walking (to the bathroom) 6 hours after surgery, per protocol. The next morning I walked around my floor of the hospital with a walker and a Physical Therapist.
Now I’m walking without the walker, except overnight. The rest of the time I keep it in the elevator, which I am grateful to use for moving between three floors. My hip feels better than it did a week ago. Although my quadricep is still a bit numb, like a mouth after dental surgery, I do not feel any pain or discomfort from my right hip joint for the first time in years. The incision is healing well. Today was my second and final visit from a home nurse. I will see my surgeon on Tuesday.
I was outside throwing a football with my son this morning.
In February 2018, my father was sent to the emergency room by ambulance from his independent living center where he had lived for one year.
After seeing the memory care units of all the places my father could afford to live, Renee said, “we need to move him in with us.”
We packed up everything and moved to a larger 3-story townhome equipped with a private elevator and a bedroom on the first floor with a walk in shower. It was perfect for him. We rarely use the elevator now, but I sure do appreciate it this week.