There is a phrase we've heard countless times: You can't pour from an empty cup.
It's usually offered as a reminder to take care of yourself, but lately we've been thinking about it a little differently. What if the goal isn't simply to keep enough in your cup so you can continue giving? What if the goal is to fill your cup so completely that what you give comes from the overflow?
That's a very different way to live, and it's a lesson we're both still learning.
Mark:
For much of my life, I thought being generous meant being available. If someone needed help, I wanted to help. If someone called, I answered. If I could make an introduction, solve a problem, or offer support, I did.
That started long before we became entrepreneurs. When I worked in sales at Bright House, I had a habit of making myself available to customers at almost any hour. My phone would ring late in the evening, and I'd answer because, in my mind, being good at my job meant being there whenever someone needed me.
Renee did not always share that philosophy. I can't tell you how many times she'd look at me taking another late-night work call and ask, "Are there really such a thing as cable emergencies?"
She had a point.
But that instinct followed me into entrepreneurship. I genuinely love helping people, making introductions, solving problems, and being someone others can count on. Those are qualities I value about myself, but I've also had to learn that being generous with my time doesn't require being endlessly available.
There is a difference between giving because you're overflowing and giving because you believe you have to. One feels expansive. The other eventually becomes exhausting.
Sometimes the qualities that can drain us the most are the very qualities we love about ourselves. The answer isn't necessarily to stop being generous, caring, or available. It's learning how to express those parts of ourselves without disappearing in the process.
Renee:
I had to learn my own version of that lesson.
I used to say yes to almost everything, especially when Eden and Xen were in elementary school. I wasn't just the PTA president. I was a room mom, Super Scientist teacher, book fair host, and seemingly available for whatever else needed to be done.
And I loved it!
I loved being involved in our kids' lives. I loved their school community and pouring into the students. Some of my favorite memories from those years came from being so involved, which is probably part of why it took me so long to recognize that I was running on empty.
The problem wasn't that I was giving my time to things I didn't care about. The problem was that I cared about so many of them that I rarely stopped to ask whether I actually had anything left to give.
By fifth grade, I was burned out. I finally admitted that something had to change, found someone else to take over as PTA president, and started showing up only for the things that genuinely fit into my life.
I didn't stop caring about the school. I didn't stop volunteering. I didn't become less generous. I simply began learning that loving something doesn't mean I have to give it everything I have.
I've gotten much better at that over the years. I'm still naturally inclined to say yes, but now one of the most useful phrases in my vocabulary is, "I'll have to get back to you."
That little sentence gives me space. Instead of immediately agreeing because I can technically make something work, I have time to ask whether I actually want to do it, whether I have the capacity for it, and perhaps most importantly, what I might unintentionally be saying no to by saying yes.
Mark:
That's something I think we've both had to learn because when you continually give from depletion, eventually the people you love don't get the best of you. They get what's left of you.
We've certainly had days when we've moved from meeting to meeting, answered messages between calls, handled something with the kids, dealt with whatever unexpected problem showed up, and arrived at the end of the day with almost nothing left for each other.
Sometimes what feels like disconnection isn't necessarily about the relationship at all. Sometimes we're simply two depleted people who have spent the day giving everything we have to everyone else.
That's also why I think there's an important distinction when we talk about filling our cups within a marriage. Our partners can support us, encourage us, love us, and notice when we're struggling, but they can't be solely responsible for our happiness or fulfillment.
Part of a healthy partnership is learning what fills your own cup and taking some responsibility for creating more of it in your life.
Renee:
For me, filling my cup doesn't have to mean an elaborate vacation or a day at a spa. Sometimes going for a run with my music playing completely changes my energy. I love being outside, going somewhere new with our family, experiencing a concert, traveling, or simply having some time when nobody needs me to solve anything.
I've also learned that what fills my cup changes depending on the season I'm in. Sometimes I crave adventure and people. Other times I need quiet and enough space to hear myself think.
Our kids absolutely fill my cup too. Spending time with Eden and Xen is one of my greatest joys, but even as a mom, I've had to recognize that constantly doing for everyone isn't the same thing as being present with them. Sometimes taking care of myself first allows me to come back to my family with more patience, energy, and actual desire to be there instead of simply moving on to the next thing that needs to be done.
I think that's an important distinction because taking care of ourselves can sometimes get framed as selfish, particularly for parents and people who naturally love to give.
I've come to see it very differently.
Mark:
I have too.
Connection is one of the things that fills my cup. I love bringing people together, having meaningful conversations, seeing possibilities between people, and helping create relationships that might change both of their lives. Getting quiet and reconnecting with my Inner Being fills me in a different way. It helps me remember who I am underneath all the roles I play as a husband, dad, business partner, entrepreneur, connector, leader, and friend.
But even something you love can drain you when there are no boundaries around it.
That's been an important lesson for me because I don't want to stop being the person who answers the call or makes the introduction. I simply don't need to answer every call at every hour.
Apparently, there still aren't that many cable emergencies.
Renee:
This has also changed the way we think about entrepreneurship.
We didn't become entrepreneurs because we wanted to create another way to feel trapped. We wanted freedom. We wanted meaningful work. We wanted time with our family and the ability to build our lives around what mattered to us instead of squeezing those things around someone else's schedule.
And yet, entrepreneurship can very easily become another empty-cup exercise if we allow it.
There is always another client we could serve, another opportunity we could pursue, another email we could answer, another event we could attend, and another project we could take on. From the outside, more clients, more revenue, more visibility, and more opportunities can look like success. But if creating that success requires us to continually empty ourselves, at some point we have to ask what exactly we're building.
Thriving has to include us too.
I think that's the part I used to forget.
You are allowed to be one of the people your life is designed to support.
You don't have to earn rest by becoming exhausted first. You don't have to wait until everyone else's needs are met before acknowledging your own, and you don't have to feel guilty for doing something simply because it makes you happy.
Joy fills the cup too.
Mark & Renee:
Maybe giving from the overflow begins with getting curious about what actually fills us. Not what we're supposed to enjoy or what someone else says should restore us, but the people, experiences, practices, and moments that genuinely make us feel more alive.
We're still learning this ourselves. There will always be seasons when life asks more of us, and there will certainly be days when our cups aren't overflowing. The goal isn't to create some perfectly balanced life where we're never tired, stressed, or depleted. It's to become better at noticing when we've been pouring for too long without replenishing and remembering that our own wellbeing deserves our attention too.
We still believe contribution is one of the greatest joys of being alive. We want to serve people, love our family, support our friends, build meaningful businesses, create community, and make a difference. Learning to give from the overflow doesn't mean becoming less generous. If anything, we think it allows us to become more generous because what we're giving isn't coming at the expense of ourselves.
Maybe the question isn't simply, "How much more can I give?" Maybe it's also worth asking what fills your cup, what is draining it faster than you can replenish it, and where you might need to create a little more space before automatically saying yes.
Because generosity doesn't require us to disappear. We can love deeply, serve generously, raise families, build businesses, support our communities, and still create lives that nourish us in return.
Don't wait until your cup is empty to decide you deserve to fill it.