Renee:
For years, I've had a bit of a thing with the word should.
Once I started paying attention to it, I realized how often it shows up in everyday conversation. We tell ourselves what we should be doing, we tell our spouses what they should do, we tell our children what they should do, and sometimes we carry around years of guilt about things we think we should have done differently.
The funny part is that I've talked about it enough over the years that my kids now catch themselves when they say it.
Every once in a while, one of them will start a sentence with, "You should..." and then immediately stop.
"I know, Mom. You don't like that word."
And they're right, I don't.
Not because I think people should never receive advice. (See what I did there?)
But I've noticed a very different energy between offering wisdom and telling someone what to do.
As Eden and Xen get closer to adulthood, I find myself becoming even more aware of it. At sixteen, they are learning how to make their own decisions, develop their own judgment, and navigate consequences. Of course, there are times when I want to jump in and tell them exactly what I think they should do.
But I've learned that my job isn't to control every choice they make; my job is to help them think.
To ask questions that help them see things differently. To share experiences when they are relevant. To offer perspective when it is welcomed. And then, ultimately, to trust them to make their own decisions.
That doesn't mean I always get it right. It just means I've become more conscious of the difference.
Mark:
What's interesting is that this lesson doesn't just apply to parenting.
It shows up in marriage, friendships, business, leadership, coaching, and pretty much every relationship we have.
The older I get, the more I realize that most people aren't actually looking for someone to take over their decision-making process. They're looking for someone who can help them see things more clearly.
That's a very different role.
And it creates a very different kind of conversation.As a coach and connector, I've noticed something else.
The moment someone feels judged, even subtly, they often stop listening and start defending.
Instead of exploring possibilities, they're explaining why they can't do something, why it won't work, or why their situation is different.
But when someone feels seen, heard, and respected, curiosity opens up. Possibilities emerge. Solutions become easier to find.
The irony is that people are often far more receptive to guidance when they don't feel like they're being guided.
Renee:
This came up recently during our MetaMind retreat.
One of the most impactful parts of our retreats is something we call a "love seat."
In many mastermind circles, they're known as hot seats. Someone brings a challenge, opportunity, question, or obstacle they're facing, and the group rallies around them with ideas, support, feedback, resources, and perspective.
It's kind of like Shark Tank for entrepreneurs, except there are no sharks in this room.
The goal isn't to tear apart someone's idea or tell them everything they're doing wrong. The goal is to help them see possibilities they might not see on their own.
During one of our discussions, the conversation turned toward advice. Not because anyone was doing anything wrong, but because we were talking about how easy it can be to slip into telling people what they should do.
And that got me thinking.
There is a huge difference between telling someone what they should do and asking permission to offer a suggestion.
The wisdom being shared may be exactly the same, but the energy feels completely different.
"May I offer a suggestion?"
"Would you like another perspective?"
"Can I share what worked for me?"
Those approaches create space for someone to stay in ownership of their own decision-making rather than feeling like they're being directed toward a particular outcome.
One approach assumes authority and the other honors choice.
Mark:
I think that's one of the things that separates great leaders from average ones.
The best leaders I've encountered don't spend all their time telling people what to do. They ask thoughtful questions. They create space. They help people arrive at their own conclusions.
And because of that, people actually own the decisions they make.
When someone arrives at a conclusion for themselves, they're far more likely to follow through than when they're simply following instructions.
There's something incredibly empowering about being trusted to think for yourself.I've seen this repeatedly in business.
Some of the most successful entrepreneurs I know didn't succeed because they followed someone else's blueprint perfectly. They succeeded because they learned how to think critically, adapt, and make decisions that fit their unique vision.
The same principle applies in leadership.
Our role isn't to create followers who depend on us for every answer. It's to help people become leaders in their own lives.
That kind of leadership creates confidence, ownership, and growth that lasts long after the conversation ends.
Renee:
And trust me, I haven't eliminated the word entirely.
People still should on me and sometimes I catch myself shoulding on other people too.
The difference is that now I notice it.
I notice how quickly a conversation can shift when someone feels judged instead of supported. I notice how often advice lands better when permission is involved. And I notice how empowering it can be when someone feels trusted to make their own choices, even when those choices aren't the ones I would make.
Especially then.
Because ultimately, life isn't about getting everyone to follow our recommendations.
It's about helping people develop confidence in their own judgment.
Whether that's our children, our clients, our friends, or the people we love most.
I've also noticed that when someone tells me what I should do, my immediate reaction is often resistance. Even when I agree with them.
Maybe you've experienced that too.
There is something about being told what to do that can make us want to pull away, defend ourselves, or explain why we're not doing the thing being suggested.
But when someone approaches with curiosity instead of certainty, the conversation changes.
We become more open, more willing to listen, more willing to consider, more willing to learn.
Mark and Renee:
Maybe that's why the word has stayed on our radar all these years.
Because every time we replace "you should" with curiosity, we give someone back their agency.
We stop trying to control the outcome and start honoring their ability to choose.
And that feels very different.
We're curious...
How do you feel when someone tells you what you should do?
And have you ever caught yourself doing it to someone else?